"I could never give up my baby"
Those two sentences I hear a lot so naturally people with large curiosities tend to wonder how I'm coping with this entire surrogacy situation; so today's blog is all about how I deal with the range of emotions and situations that arise from carrying a baby that is ultimately for someone else.
Let's focus on those two sentences I begun with....
People who usually say those sentences have already failed in the surrogate world. It may sound harsh but that's just how I personally feel, you can never ever tinker with those thoughts as a surrogate or you're setting yourself up for some messy scenes once baby enters the world, that's not to say I'm not going to be sad once Squirt switches hands, of course anyone would have an emotional attachment to a baby they grew and felt move inside of them but the thing you have to remember is I was mentally prepared for this before this baby was even conceived, in fact if I was to be honest I was mentally prepared for this the day Bella passed away; I knew eventually this day was going to come and the happiness I will be giving Sara and Lance overrides any other feelings.
We must all remember this is not my baby so I'm not giving up my child. As I've said in my past blog posts I'm solely in the mind frame of Aunty, that's it. I do not see myself as a mother figure, a nurturing figure yes (as I'm growing and nurturing this baby for 9 months) but a mother figure doesn't even pop into my head even though it is my egg we used.
Yes, I will freely admit you need a mind of steel to be a surrogate, this seems to come naturally to me, I'm not getting all big headed and staunch thinking I'm a big tough biatch that can handle anything but people who really know me know I don't waste time with situations that really don't need to be turned into a "situation" with a lot of drama. I don't beat around the bush and if a job needs doing I just get it done.
Those feelings I felt while I was pregnant with my own son Hunter are not really present in this pregnancy, such feelings as that motherly bond when you rub your belly, the excitement of looking at pink or blue clothes, the anticipation of watching my husband become a Dad and having those first cuddles...all of these feelings have been stored away in a little chest with a lock and key in my mind. By switching off these feelings you learn to see the situation in black and white, for what it really is and that's me being what i set out to be, a sister who leant a helping hand in bringing a life into the world, this baby needed a uterus to grow so i offered mine....
But in saying all of that I don't want people thinking this baby is receiving no love because Squirt is surrounded by love; love from me as an Aunty and all of Squirt's other Aunts and Uncles, the Grandparents, extended family and friends and of course Squirts mum and dad!
I do rub my belly and talk to Squirt, I giggle over the little kicks and rolls, I poke my belly in hopes of getting a kicking response .... I do all of the "normal" pregnant things, the only difference is I don't see this as my child and only have an "Aunty bond" with Squirt.
A lot of the time I actually zone out with a lot of the baby talk, it's not that I'm not excited or I'm being a grumpy cow, it's just an automatic response to detach myself from highly emotional situations that I don't want to form an "attachment" to because as I've mentioned a hundred times already - this is not my baby and in doing this I'm just staying in an Aunty state of mind. It's quite difficult to put thoughts down as words when describing all of this but I hope I am making sense lol.
Funnily enough the part I actually struggle with is the amount of praise I receive, it gets very overwhelming at times.
Being told you are amazing about ten times a day is well....a bit too much. I don't see myself as amazing for doing this, this is just a natural thing I felt I was born to do. Many people's life callings can be career orientated; being the CEO and be destined to drive around in Audi's and sit first class while flying, or becoming a food saint and help starving children in Africa, becoming bilingual in 10 languages or run a charity...the list is endless...but for me I feel my life purpose is giving life to parents who cannot have children.
I had always planned to donate my extra embryo's (from my IVF cycle that conceived my son) once we had one more baby and completed our family, after that I am also going to do a fresh IVF cycle and donate my eggs to a couple who needs them, and obviously now I am a surrogate for my sister!
This all may sound amazing to a lot of people, amazing, generous, selfless etc but I'd much rather remain modest with all the compliments and just be treated like the Amy I've always been and not have a sainthood bestowed upon me.
I'm not saying all surrogate's feel the same way I'm feeling as everyone has their own unique personalities and they have their own ways of dealing with situations that are a little out of the ordinary but this is my intimate portrayal of being a surrogate, all of this is how I deal with it all.
So where am I now with this pregnancy? well as of today I'm 16 weeks 3 days along. Feeling plenty of movement, a somersault here and there, a few kicks on my bladder which sends me running to the nearest toilet, my belly is slowly getting bigger and bigger, I'm still very tired and always hungry, the uncomfortable sleep has started but I'm loving it all, pregnancy is such an amazing experience that only lasts for such a short time in comparison to all the years we live and every moment should be cherished. I love being pregnant and would do it ten times over if my husband didn't just want two children lol.
So we had a glimpse into my mind and to finish off this post I will now add a glimpse into my womb.
Here's Squirt's heartbeat....(sorry it's a bit grainy but you can still hear it underneath the graininess)
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