Tis the season to be pregnant!

So this will be my last blog entry for 2012, wow can't believe I am saying that 2013 is only around the corner! This year has been full of many new experiences, well unique experiences to say the least and full of plenty of blessings and a whole lot of babyness! I have spent half the year in total getting pregnant and being pregnant, watched my belly grow...and move! And I have met so many new friends and also strengthened existing friendships and also learnt who my true friends are, I wouldn't have made so many new friendships if it wasn't for Squirt and I am very grateful for all of the opportunities that have opened up for me and all the life long memories I will have from being a surrogate.

I was lying in bed yesterday morning waiting for my little monster to wake up and was thinking yay it's Monday (I know not many people are happy to see Monday appear) but this was different, it's hubby's last working week for the year and as soon as Friday hits then it's family time, I get to spend close to 3 weeks just hanging out with my boys and then I thought not only do I get to spend time with my son and husband as a mum and wife but I also get to spend the time being an Aunty with my nephew tagging along in my belly, what a lucky woman I am to be surrounded by all of these special guys....

So I'm now 23 weeks 4 days along, only 15 weeks and 3 days to go before we meet this special little dude, gosh that really isn't a very long wait at all!
I'm still feeling great besides the hayfever and a recent bout of a cold which has made me a little more run down than usual but I'll keep soldiering on and the positive side to being sick now means (hopefully) that I won't have any annoying bugs attacking my immune system on Christmas!

Sara ^ and Me! ^
23 weeks along!

I had an obstetrician appointment this morning, was very exciting seeing Squirt again, it's amazing how much he has grown in a month since we last "saw" him, he's beginning to become very squished up now with his legs tucked up and his hands cuddling into his face. I'm still measuring ahead, now averaging over a week ahead in his growth and has been estimated to be about 761 grams (about 1 pound 7 oz) not long before he hits the 2 pounder mark and the fat will really start piling on and only about 4 more weeks till I enter my third trimester!! It's all on now!!

So what's in store for January? Well January is going to be a very full on month full of lots of appointments, I'll be having my glucose/diabetes test; not looking forward to that as I nearly fainted doing my one with Hunter and spent the entire hour with my head hanging out a window half lying on a bed, was a sight to see that's for sure lol
And as I mentioned before I'll be entering into my third trimester which will be accompanied by a 28 week 4D scan, exciting!

So I'll be back in the blogging world on January 7th, so stay tuned for that and I hope all my readers have a very Merry Christmas and a fantastic New Year, stay safe over the holiday season and enjoy all the time with friends and family!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

A whale basking in the sun...

Oh my! has Summer hit our kiwi shores or what! Apparently it's predicted to be our hottest summer in a number of years...and I just happen to be pregnant...heavily pregnant all through these summer months!
I was heavily pregnant during Winter with my pregnancy with Hunter so never knew what all the sweaty uncomfortable heat moans were about from other women but now I feel their pain....it's a form of torture! Yes, a good form of torture that's so worth it but man is it hard! or should I say woman is it hard! (since males will never truly get what I'm moaning about).
Pre pregnancy I hover around the 55-60kg mark, I'm a petite little package standing short at 5'2", but now that I'm nearly 23 weeks pregnant and have a slight waddle starting, I feel like a whale basking in the sun! Someone please come hose me down! .....16 weeks to go, I can do this...with a lot of sunscreen and a lot of fan power!

So yes, I'm now nearly 23 weeks along, besides the heat I am feeling great about 50% of the time, the other 50% of the time I am battling hayfever, terrible hayfever! My eyes are puffed up, my nose is running like Huka Falls, my throat is itching, my sneeze dial has been switched on high, my head throbs and I'm constantly tired from this pollen attack! So thank the heavens for my husband who has been taking the brunt of my moodiness and picking up a lot of my slack from my self pity days, he washes the clothes, hangs them, folds them, cooks dinner, mostly on the BBQ (funny how Summer appears and men can suddenly cook), he makes me cuppa's and takes care of Hunter when he gets home from work....as much as he pisses me off I really couldn't do this without him, sure he snores like a buffalo on heat and wakes me 50 times through the night and constantly sooks over my mood swings but he truly is amazing and I appreciate it all, he does deserve a medal.

So Squirt has been grooving up a disco! moving around like boogie nights, all that moving and all of those kicks has me running to the toilet about 20 times a day and sleeping is getting....hang on...what's that strange word sleep? *mental note to check dictionary*
What's even more exciting is Sara and Lance have both felt Squirt kicking, it was very cool seeing the excitement on their faces, feeling baby kick under your hand is a very special bonding experience and it's even more special for them because they don't have instant access to feeling Squirt move around like my husband does. We can even see Squirt moving now which is always creepy (lol) but always makes you smile, being pregnant is so amazing and even though I've experienced this all before it's still full of wonders as baby grows bigger and bigger.

Squirt seems to be a much bigger baby than what Hunter was, he's always measuring ahead, about a week ahead now, whereas Hunter was always days behind and yet I've gained minimal weight; at about this stage I had already gained about 10kg+ with Hunter but with Squirt I've only gained about 2kg's BUT I also have to admit I pigged out like a wobbly hog living his last day with Hunter, I used pregnancy as an excuse to eat because I always craved sweet things and ate way more in one sitting than I should have....I'm no saint now though...I'm still eating naughty things, but I'm also eating properly with portions that are sensibly sized and eating the naughty things more for a treat after dinner etc.... my new motto with this pregnancy is eat for two not like you're two! .... tip top health for yourself is the best start you can give that little life!

Sooooo....do you want me to let you in on a little secret? of course you do!
Well Sara and Lance have decided on a name for Squirt! and I know what it is! Its.................................

a secret!!!!!!
Sorry this is a secret I cannot tell, you will all find out once Squirt enters this world! *pokes tongue out and runs away giggling*

So in other news me and Terry met with our lawyer, I must say she wasn't too bad, she had a great sense of humour and looked like a remake of Annie Lennox, she was rocking the bleached spikey hair and the shoulder pads tucked into her jacket....honestly she actually pulled the 80's look off quite well, in fact she pulled the look off better than today's teenage generation who try (and fail I might add) to rock my birth decade but that's probably because she actually lived through the 80's! Anyways enough of the 80's rambling... There's actually not too much to report on this front though, it was just boring talk about the adoption process and when we need to sign consent papers etc...and of course all the evil things I could potentially do as the birth mother and be fully within my legal rights to do so blah blah blah, an hour later and $300 plus GST to add to the growing list of costs.....

Christmas is only two weeks away! Next week will be my last blog entry until January 7th, I know I will be missed, shucks! feeling so flattered right now! but it will be my time away from the computer during the Christmas and New Year break, we all deserve a wind down from computers and cell phones every now and then and Christmas is the best time for this I say!
So I hope you enjoyed another glimpse into my world and will catch up with you all next week which will include the latest belly shot! yay!

Bella's Birthday.

Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of Bella's passing. The year sure felt like it had zoomed on by and it's hard to imagine my little niece would have been turning one yesterday.

To mark her special day we had a big family picnic, and we hoped the weather would cooperate being that Summer is here, well the weather wasn't exactly perfect, it was very cloudy and very windy but it didn't rain and that's the best outcome!
The day was filled with happiness, after all Bella is still apart of our family and deserved to have a first birthday like every other child in the family but it was also filled with sadness and longing....if this tragedy never happened then we would have had a little birthday girl running around with her sister and cousins, she would have had a table full of presents and she would be blowing out her candle after we sung her happy birthday....
Well she actually still blew out her birthday candle, the flame blew out just after we sung happy birthday and that brought a smile to everyone's faces knowing she was still there with us even though we couldn't see her.

Sara also planned a balloon release and we all wrote messages on the balloons before sending them up into heaven, there were a few wayward balloons sneaking off before the release and a few pops but other than that it went without a hitch and surprisingly none got caught in any tree's or brought down the town's power supply by getting caught in lines lol. I'm sure Bella had fun reading all the special messages written out just for her.

Bella's balloon release

As always it was lovely seeing the majority of the family and Squirt got lots of belly rubs, of course as soon as someone touched my belly he went all shy and wouldn't move but as soon as they stopped he would kick like crazy!
The day brought a lot of mixed feelings for myself, it was a lot harder than I anticipated and I had a big cry in the morning, Dec 2nd 2011 was a day that should have been filled with happiness but instead a year later I was sitting there thinking of all the horrible things that happened that day and I still can't quite believe that this all happened. But I still wanted my niece to have the birthday she so deserved and my contribution was making the cake; Sara is a "packet mix" mum (hehehe) so I always make the birthday cakes, it was only fitting that Bella have a pink cake with flowers and butterflies as these things have been significant to the family since her passing.

 

This past year has been hard, 3 year old Holly made the blow of Bella's passing a little more "easier" to absorb but the family couldn't have stayed as strong as it has if it wasn't for the help of supportive organisations such as SANDS Manukau and Features Forever who helped create some lasting memories of our little Bella. A huge thank you to Sarah and Lisa who run these places.

I would also like to take a moment to reach out to all those expectant mumma's who have had previous c-sections and are wanting to attempt a VBAC - please make sure you are 110% confident in this decision, get two or three different opinions, talk to specialists about why you had a c-section in the first place and if a VBAC may be an unattainable goal, really think about that percentage that ends in a ruptured uterus and is often fatal to the unborn baby and also puts your life at risk, yes it is a small percentage but it's still a percentage which means you are not bullet proof, don't fall for that line "it's a small percentage so it will never happen to you"....trust me, I saw it with my own eyes, it can happen. What you need to decide is if it is worth that risk. If the healthcare professionals gave Sara this advice in the first place and did their job while Sara was in labour then we would have a one year old little girl running around playing with all her new birthday toys....

Happy 1st Birthday Bella, we wish you were here with us, we wish we could have watched your first crawl and those wobbly first steps, gushed over your first smile and those first teeth that would eventually fill it, watch you take in the world and learn all about it and watch your personality develop, but instead we were robbed of your precious life in circumstances that were fully avoidable, we miss you and will miss you every day until we meet again in heaven.
Bella's memoriam notice - click here to view.

Bella Grace Smith 02.12.11

lawyers...

20 weeks 3 days along, less than 18 weeks to go, wahoooooo!

But we must push aside the exciting talk and submerge our minds into a less exciting topic....lawyers. Argh they're just as bad as real estate agents; you hate using them but you need them and they chow down on your money like a seagull, no chewing - just straight down the throat!

Yes we need lawyers in this journey, they are the ones that sort all the paperwork out for the adoption process, well I thought that's what their sole intentions were but apparently unbeknownst to me I have other intentions. It seems their trained legal minds know me better than I know myself, even though I have known my own self character for the past 27 years and know fully well what I'm capable of, or in this case what I'm not capable of - to them I seem to be a walking talking potential baby stealer.
Apparently once baby is born all I have to do is look at him and I could change my mind and claim him as my own! ummmmm ....in the nicest possible way - I highly 100% doubt it, I already have my hands full, just meet my son Hunter and spend a few days with him, you'll come out of it exhausted and run screaming from my house never to return again...ok he's not that bad (lol), I'm just exaggerating a tad but honestly I do not want another baby in my house for another three years or so, Hunter is enough for now and there is no way I could put that extra effort in to raise him at this age and a newborn....no way!


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Oh sorry! My brain just shut down sleeping while writing that last bit! Was exhausting just thinking about it :-P
Oh and not to mention my husband will be sooooo incredibly supportive with me bringing a baby home that's not mine or his in the first place to raise alongside Hunter, we would live happily ever after! .....yes, that was said with a lot of sarcasm!

So the lawyer wanted to draw up a contract, basically an agreement that I wouldn't become a baby stealer....well I flat out refuse to sign anything of that nature, it disgusts me I can be thought of in that way, I have never received an insult through this surrogacy journey until that moment!!
Luckily Sara and Lance fully support my stubbornness not to sign anything like that, they also have refused any papers be drawn up in that nature.

I can fully agree to it if you were using a friend or if you were using a surrogate through an agency but c'mon! I'm Sara's twin sister, her own flesh and blood and best friend for the last 27 years!
I had to hand my own niece who was stillborn over to my sister who had just come out of surgery and had also lost her uterus and any chance of carrying another child, that was the worst experience of my life!!! no lawyer no matter how many books they've read or how many exams they've sat can ever know the trauma and hardship I went through that night and also the trauma and hardship I watched Sara and Lance go through, so why on earth would I even dare put them through any more heartache!?
Sometimes lawyers need to step out of their robotically trained minds and think a bit more on a realistic personal level.....I guess they are just doing their job, but that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to be offended by some of the things that have arisen from it.

20 weeks along!

Team blue or Team pink???

So because I am having an elective c-section at 39 weeks today I am officially half way!!! yippeeeeee!
19 weeks 3 days today which means I've had the anatomy/gender scan a couple of days ago, it went really well and Squirt was fully co-operative, actually so co-operative that the first thing that popped up on the screen was his boy bits....yes that's right people boy bits!!! This little dude isn't shy at all!!

I hate to say I told you so....okay...actually that's a big fat porky; I actually love to say I told you so!!!!! This belly is batting for Team Blue! It's very exciting and probably somewhat of a relief to Sara as she's been buying boy clothes since week 14 and it's also going to be less emotionally taxing for them at the birth as a girl would bring up so many memories....not to say that we wouldn't have been happy if it was a girl, that would have been just as great, it's just honest to say that yes it is easier because it's a boy.

I absolutely love the anatomy scans, seeing every little aspect of this tiny life that has grown in just a few weeks, the human body is absolutely amazing! seeing Squirt yawn and cuddling into the placenta, seeing him stretch out his legs and seeing those 10 little fingers and those 10 little toes is so magical and it doesn't matter how many pregnancies you've had, those scans simply aren't repeats of 'what you've done before' because this is a unique little life you are watching before your eyes, a completely different human being, a whole new beginning and an entire new addition to the family.
 

Squirts feet! so cute!!

The sonographer was amazingly nice (a huge contrast to the stone faced lady at our very first scan!) and even sneaked in a couple of 4D images for us! As soon as Squirts face came onto the screen the room was just filled with gushing parents (and Aunty of course!). He's very very cute and I actually think he looks a little like Daddy even though he hasn't started putting on much of his baby fat yet!

Looks like Daddy!

For Lance's parents this is going to be their first grandson and for me and Sara's parents it will be their 4th grandson (includes my baby boy Hudson whom I miscarried). I wonder what little personality he will have; will he be a motor head like his Daddy, Uncle and Grandad? or will he be an amazingly awesome bookworm like his surrogate Aunty or super smart like his Aunty Tasha? ...or the dreaded shopoholic like Mummy? maybe a bit of all?
What colour eyes and hair will he have? How tall is he going to be? A giant like Daddy's side of the family or a tiny little package like Mummy's side of the family? ooooo all of these questions add's so much excitement to his pending arrival! Babies are just so much fun, exhausting - oh yes indeed! but oh so much fun!

19 weeks and 3 more days of sleep till we meet this little man!!

Nearly half way!

I'm now 18 weeks 3 days along, only one more week and I'll be exactly half way through this journey! (since Squirt is coming a week early). Where on earth has all the time gone!? the weeks are just speeding by, It's true when they say your first pregnancy seems to feel like 9 years instead of 9 months and you count the weeks one by one painstakingly slow but I wasn't lying when I said in my last blog post that it's going by so fast that sometimes I actually have to sit there and calculate how far along I am, sometimes giving myself a shock that I'm that far along lol.

You know when they say you have one baby that's your dream baby? Well the same goes for pregnancies in my books because this is my dream pregnancy... I was constantly in hospital with my pregnancy with Hunter including a mad dash to the hospital in an ambulance on Christmas morning 2010 vomiting my poor little heart out! The following day, Boxing Day, I was getting pumped full of fluids, by 4pm I was on my 12th bag and had a constant stream of nausea medication....I was diagnosed with hyperemesis and spent the next 25 weeks on daily medication and my head hanging over a sink or the toilet (which ever one I reached first). I had constant bleeds including three sub chronic haematoma's, one of which was so bad it was like a bloody waterfall gushing out, I was plagued with migraines and gained 25kg by the end of it, I just had a very difficult time with it all....now 18 weeks on with this pregnancy I have had none of that *knock on wood!*, I had nausea which nearly sent me hurling into a bush on a few occasions but nothing that couldn't be managed.
I am really enjoying it all and because I've experienced pregnancy before I know exactly what to look out for  in regards to movements (not mistaking them for gas) and it just makes me smile every time I feel a kick or when the somersaults start (Squirts favourite thing at the moment). Just this weekend I saw my stomach move for the first time, seeing it instead of just feeling it adds even more "realness" to it all, it's all so exciting! Even Hunter loves sitting on my lap and taps my belly while saying "baaaaby baaaaaby!", He's becoming quite aware of mummy's growing belly!

Hunter playing with his cousin

One thing I absolutely love about subsequent pregnancies is how pre stretched everything is so you show much earlier! I love being able to show my belly off and it means a lot more opportunities to play with people's heads when they ask "Is this your second?" ....hehehehe

12 weeks                14 weeks                16 weeks                18 weeks

So the most exciting scan is approaching, only four more days until the anatomy scan where the gender will be confirmed, four more days!!!!!!! Well i'm already convinced it's a boy after our fabulous obstetrician made the boy bits find four weeks ago but it's Sara that needs the convincing and then she'll still need at least two more scans after that just to stop annoying me with her "ooooo I'm not really convinced" comments lol.

So that's the latest update from me, sorry it's a rather short update but there's only so much that happens within a week and I'll be sure to share the gender news in next Monday's blog so stay tuned for team blue news!...or in Sara's case maybe team blue news.

And as always if there is any aspect of this surrogacy journey you want me to talk about please just ask and I'll be more than happy to have a little blog chat about it!
xoxo

How the other half feels.

So last week I spoke quite openly about how I feel about the surrogacy and also how my mind deals with a lot of it so it should be only fitting that this week we jump ship to how my sister Sara and the husbands feel about all of this.
When people ask me about it all they seem to be quite serious and when they flip that same question onto Sara and the husbands they sort of have a comical tone in their voice....why? I really can't answer that but I think it's just people's natural way of trying to come across friendly while being curious at the same time.
Of course you have to have an intensely open sense of humour to be in an out of the ordinary situation but there are some very real feelings and raw thoughts that accompany Sara and the husbands.

I have many conversations to Sara about how she feels about it all, she vents to me often and a lot of the time it's like witnessing myself all those years ago when I was experiencing my infertile struggles and it makes me quite sad. I can see that "look" on her face I always had towards pregnant women, I hear the little remarks which are of course fuelled by jealousy....By looking at her in her "infertile state" I can now see how people perceived me which still pisses me off and she can now understand how I felt towards how people treated me. In a cruel twist of fate it's all somehow been flipped on the twins with being infertile and being a fertile myrtle.
When you are left with no option but to have intervention from other people to have a child (in my case it was IVF and in Sara's case it's using a surrogate) it does leave you a little bitter, jealous, mad, confused and you get an enormous sense of invasion that has been forced upon you, there is no privacy and there is no intimacy that so many other couples have when making life, you can't look at your husband with that naughty glint in your eye reminiscing the nights that led to the expansion of your family....in a nutshell, the entire experience is warped and stolen from you but in the end the dream that becomes a reality is so worth it....but still, all feelings and thoughts that led up to that should still be taken with a handful of sympathy and an armful of hugs.

Sara yearns to be treated like the pregnant one, to have all the TLC put upon her and to be quite honest I can see where she is coming from; I may be the pregnant one but she's the expecting mother, I guess she wants to make up what she can with everything that she is missing from expecting a baby.
But I don't want to make it sound like there is only a negative side to it all cause that's far from the truth, there's more positive feelings and happy expectations to waiting for this baby to come into the world, I don't really need to go in depth with those feelings as anyone who has been pregnant and had a baby knows all the happy warm fuzzy feelings that I'm talking about.
Sara still shops for her bun in the oven, she has a nursery theme picked out and constantly switches back and forth with baby names, sighing in frustration when Lance crosses off every suggestion she painstakingly thought over lol, she squeals with excitement when Squirt moves on the ultrasound machine and talks quite in depth with the obstetrician...

Now if we want to put some truth to the comical side of it then you need not go far. Turn to the husbands for all the sarcastic banter you want. My husband is the worst when it comes to talking about it, he needs to crack a joke at least every fifth sentence and takes a lot of joy in telling people his wife is pregnant to another man and is really happy about it, he needs to feed that comedic monster!
The only downside for Terry is dealing with my constant hormones and mood swings, he openly admits he hates me when I'm pregnant (in a nice joking way people!). He's now watching his wife in her fourth pregnancy and he can't wait for the day when my fifth and final time has come, he even goes as far as threatening to get "the snip" so he never has a chance to deal with pregnancy hormones again but I always threaten him that we still have three frozen embryo's and I'd happily raise them all hehehe, I can almost see him shudder and have a slight look of fear in his eyes at the thought of more pregnancies...now that feeds my comedic monster lol.
But seriously Terry is quite cruisy with the surrogacy decision, he just lets me do what needs to be done and just goes with the flow, he's never raised a fuss about it (except only to complain about my hormones) and is really supportive and loving towards me and my decision.

Sara's husband Lance, well I have to be honest and say I never really talk in depth with him about it all, in fact I think the only person he opens up to is Sara and there's nothing wrong with that, I do however know he's the same as Terry in his feelings - it doesn't phase him and he's very supportive and excited about it all.

So where am I at you may wonder? Well I'm now 17 weeks 3 days along, it feels like it's speeding by, maybe that's because I have a 14 month old I'm constantly chasing around after and trying to manage an entire household to keep my little family content; before I know it another week has passed and I actually have to think for a few seconds of how far along I actually am!
Movements are getting slightly stronger and the nightly womb parties have begun while I'm trying to sleep...trying being the key word in that sentence as I also toss and turn and can never get comfortable with the increasing weight of  my uterus and the constant trips to the bathroom but it's all apart of the magical world of pregnancy and it's all loved and laughed over.

Inside my surrogate mind...

"Oh i could never give up a baby that grew inside of me!"
"I could never give up my baby"

Those two sentences I hear a lot so naturally people with large curiosities tend to wonder how I'm coping with this entire surrogacy situation; so today's blog is all about how I deal with the range of emotions and situations that arise from carrying a baby that is ultimately for someone else.

Let's focus on those two sentences I begun with....
People who usually say those sentences have already failed in the surrogate world. It may sound harsh but that's just how I personally feel, you can never ever tinker with those thoughts as a surrogate or you're setting yourself up for some messy scenes once baby enters the world, that's not to say I'm not going to be sad once Squirt switches hands, of course anyone would have an emotional attachment to a baby they grew and felt move inside of them but the thing you have to remember is I was mentally prepared for this before this baby was even conceived, in fact if I was to be honest I was mentally prepared for this the day Bella passed away; I knew eventually this day was going to come and the happiness I will be giving Sara and Lance overrides any other feelings.
We must all remember this is not my baby so I'm not giving up my child. As I've said in my past blog posts  I'm solely in the mind frame of Aunty, that's it. I do not see myself as a mother figure, a nurturing figure yes (as I'm growing and nurturing this baby for 9 months) but a mother figure doesn't even pop into my head even though it is my egg we used.

Yes, I will freely admit you need a mind of steel to be a surrogate, this seems to come naturally to me, I'm not getting all big headed and staunch thinking I'm a big tough biatch that can handle anything but people who really know me know I don't waste time with situations that really don't need to be turned into a "situation" with a lot of drama. I don't beat around the bush and if a job needs doing I just get it done.

Those feelings I felt while I was pregnant with my own son Hunter are not really present in this pregnancy, such feelings as that motherly bond when you rub your belly, the excitement of looking at pink or blue clothes, the anticipation of watching my husband become a Dad and having those first cuddles...all of these feelings have been stored away in a little chest with a lock and key in my mind. By switching off these feelings you learn to see the situation in black and white, for what it really is and that's me being what i set out to be, a sister who leant a helping hand in bringing a life into the world, this baby needed a uterus to grow so i offered mine....

But in saying all of that I don't want people thinking this baby is receiving no love because Squirt is surrounded by love; love from me as an Aunty and all of Squirt's other Aunts and Uncles, the Grandparents, extended family and friends and of course Squirts mum and dad!
I  do rub my belly and talk to Squirt, I giggle over the little kicks and rolls, I poke my belly in hopes of getting a kicking response .... I do all of the "normal" pregnant things, the only difference is I don't see this as my child and only have an "Aunty bond" with Squirt.

A lot of the time I actually zone out with a lot of the baby talk, it's not that I'm not excited or I'm being a grumpy cow, it's just an automatic response to detach myself from highly emotional situations that I don't want to form an "attachment" to because as I've mentioned a hundred times already - this is not my baby and in doing this I'm just staying in an Aunty state of mind. It's quite difficult to put thoughts down as words when describing all of this but I hope I am making sense lol.

Funnily enough the part I actually struggle with is the amount of praise I receive, it gets very overwhelming at times.
Being told you are amazing about ten times a day is well....a bit too much. I don't see myself as amazing for doing this, this is just a natural thing I felt I was born to do. Many people's life callings can be career orientated; being the CEO and be destined to drive around in Audi's and sit first class while flying, or becoming a food saint and help starving children in Africa, becoming bilingual in 10 languages or run a charity...the list is endless...but for me I feel my life purpose is giving life to parents who cannot have children.
I had always planned to donate my extra embryo's (from my IVF cycle that conceived my son) once we had one more baby and completed our family, after that I am also going to do a fresh IVF cycle and donate my eggs  to a couple who needs them, and obviously now I am a surrogate for my sister!
This all may sound amazing to a lot of people, amazing, generous, selfless etc but I'd much rather remain modest with all the compliments and just be treated like the Amy I've always been and not have a sainthood bestowed upon me.

I'm not saying all surrogate's feel the same way I'm feeling as everyone has their own unique personalities and  they have their own ways of dealing with situations that are a little out of the ordinary but this is my intimate portrayal of being a surrogate, all of this is how I deal with it all.


So where am I now with this pregnancy? well as of today I'm 16 weeks 3 days along. Feeling plenty of movement, a somersault here and there, a few kicks on my bladder which sends me running to the nearest toilet, my belly is slowly getting bigger and bigger, I'm still very tired and always hungry, the uncomfortable sleep has started but I'm loving it all, pregnancy is such an amazing experience that only lasts for such a short time in comparison to all the years we live and every moment should be cherished. I love being pregnant and would do it ten times over if my husband didn't just want two children lol.

So we had a glimpse into my mind and to finish off this post I will now add a glimpse into my womb.
Here's Squirt's heartbeat....(sorry it's a bit grainy but you can still hear it underneath the graininess)

Two weeks, two scans and maybe some boy bits!.

27th September, I'm one day short of being 12 weeks, the big magical 12 weeks that brings a scan and is then usually followed by the big announcement to the world!

So this time the scan is booked in for the morning, thank goodness for that as i have the patience of a Labrador staring at that juicy little crumb that will somehow be oh so fulfilling on the stomach.

It's the usual gang along for the scan, myself (obviously), Sara, Lance and my little monster Hunter, as soon as we hit the carpark i dash out of the car yelling "I'll meet you inside, i really have to pee!!" - definitely the story of my life at the moment with this growing uterus of mine.

Skip the boring waiting room and lets get right into the scan talk! Besides the 20 week gender scan this has to be one of the most exciting scans as you suddenly see full legs and arms, an incredible glimpse at a face with features and if you're lucky a nice nub shot! (for those who believe in the nub theory).

Squirt squirt, awkward bottle noise that sounds like a fart, squirt sings the ultrasound gel bottle on my belly and then that beautiful little miracle appears on the screen! wow! i forgot how fast they develop in the first 12 weeks, how many changes take place...how human they look now lol
Everyone in the room gushes at the screen including the sonographer, she knows i'm a surrogate for the couple standing next to me and she seems to have this "special" glow around her too which is very sweet.
She takes extra time to take photo's of Squirts hands and legs....oh and those gorgeous little baby buttocks!

Squirt's thumb and hand

Squirt's legs and feet and those cute little buttocks!

Squirt is constantly flipping and somersaulting, so much that the sonographer is having trouble getting shots for the NT measurments, one second Squirt is facing us, the next lying on his/her's back, the next facing away from us acting shy, the next face planting....

face plant!

But eventually she gets the measurements after a lot of laughs from everyone. This little baby is a show off! Definitely takes after Aunty is this aspect!
But most of all it's just so amazing seeing the miracle of life, these are memories to last a lifetime and it's truly amazing that in the years to come we can show our children how they developed in our womb, i wish this technology was available so freely in the 80's when my mother was growing a legend!

After 5 years of struggle to conceive my son, and then the struggles Sara and Lance have had to endure over the last 10 months it just makes this baby that little bit more special and amazing that he/she was so easily conceived. Some things are just meant to be....

Squirt

9th October 2012

So i'm now 13w4d along, time for my second obstetrician's appointment. This time it's just myself and Sara going, this is about the time that the males are pushed aside and all the attention is lavished upon the women!
So we're in the room with Dereck and first things first, my NT results have come in, chances of downs is 1 in 23,000, thumbs up!
Dereck asks if we would like a quick scan to see baby, of course we do!! and then he chucks in another surprise saying baby might be big enough to have a look at the possible gender, well he'll be looking more at the angle of the nub as he's a huge believer in it and if he manages to see one he'll be about 90% certain what Sara and Lance can expect! I squeal with excitement slightly bouncing up and down in my seat like an excited kid at Christmas time! I jump up on the bed and a quick scan is performed, wow!! Squirt is looking amazing! that slightly weird shaped head has now formed into a cute little baby head, the torso is starting to level out with the size ratio with head and torso, look at those little toes!!! eeeeek so exciting! Dereck gets a perfect profile shot and there's a nice little nub pointing up, "oooooh yes" he says, then quickly flips the wand around so we now see a potty shot "OMG!!" i shout, "that's boy bits isn't it! IT'S A BOY!", Dereck smirks and says "yup definitely looking very boyish with the nub pointing up and how the genitals are shaped at this point"
Sara seems to have gone into a slight shock, not quite registering what she's hearing then click! She suddenly lights up the room with excitement, "omg really!!??" she says, "I can't wait to tell Lance!!!!!!"

90% sure on BOY bits!

So he tally's my measurements up, I'm measuring nearly a week ahead now! Dereck says this baby is quite long, oh gosh please don't tell me I'm going to have a 2 foot long baby born like Nana Dianne had with her second son Gavin (who is Squirt's uncle). True story people, i tell no lies. All i can say to that is thank goodness i am having a c-section!!!!!!

So far so good, Squirt is big and is healthy, surrogate mum is getting big and is healthy, Intending mum Sara ...well she get's to eat sushi *insert jealous face here!*

So i will sign off for now until the next instalment and leave you with the announcement that was shared on Facebook. Enjoy!
 

The nitty gritty of it all!

Ok so as promised on my Facebook posts i was going to do a Q&A session with you all!
And i should add - anyone who is reading my blog who isn't on my Facebook is more than welcome to ask questions too (just use the post option below) and i'll be more than happy to answer your questions in future blogs.

I get asked a lot of questions, and not just from friends and family; complete strangers just love asking about it all too so i will try and cover the most asked Q's and of course the ones you want answered from Facebook.
On some questions i will even get Sara (intending mum) to share her perspective.

This will probably be my longest post yet so sit back, grab a cuppa, and hey i won't tell anyone if you sneak some chocolate bikkies in too (cookies if you aren't from down under lol) ..... and enjoy the read!

Q: So because you and Sara are twins, does that mean you share the same DNA?
A: We are identical twins so yes our genetic structure is 99.9% the same, therefore the little baby that is growing inside of me is as much Sara's as it is mine (genetically). So she really can be called this baby's real mother even though it was my egg we used, pretty cool huh!?

Q: Because you used your egg does that mean Sara has to legally adopt the baby once it's born?
A: Yes. Once the baby is born, by law, the names on the birth certificate will be the father's (Lance) and my own because i am the birth mother. Once the legal papers have been filed and the courts give it the all clear for the baby to be adopted to Sara a new birth certificate is issued with the father's name and Sara's name. Some may say it's not worth the hassle, but not doing this only causes more hassle in the future. Sara would not be able to apply for anything for her child (passport, school enrolments, hospital permissions for surgery, treatment etc), everything would have to be approved by me first so in the end it is worth the hassle to make life easier in the long run.
Sara's Answer: Having the same parents on all of our children's birth certificates means alot to us, this doesn't mean in any way we are dismissing what Amy has done for us.

Q: Are you going to tell the baby, once it's old enough to understand, how it was conceived etc?
A: Coming from my perspective we will be fully open to telling our own kids about how their cousin was brought into this world, sure it may be a little confusing at first but we don't want any of our kids to be ashamed of Squirts origins.
Sara's Answer: We are going to be fully open with how Squirt was brought into the world, why hide something so special and so different, it's nothing to be ashamed of.

Q: Are you getting paid for this?
A: No. I am not receiving any money for this. The laws in New Zealand  are quite different to other countries laws such as America, our laws do not allow surrogate mothers to be paid and even if the laws allowed this i still would not accept any money for it. I'm not doing this for any financial gain and personally i wouldn't want my uterus to have a "for sale" sign pitched in it's front yard. Giving the gift of life is reward enough.

Q: How does it feel lying on the bed for the ultrasound and thinking "oh that's my niece or nephew"?
A: All i feel is excitement, the same excitement i felt when i was awaiting all my other nieces and nephews, the only difference is the ultrasound wand is on me and not my sister/sister-in-laws. I felt a different excitement with my son Hunter's scans because that baby was "mine". Also, I feel lucky to be able to go to every scan and see the progress and not have to be at home waiting for the photo's lol.
Sara's Answer: (coming from Sara's perspective) I feel the same way i did with Holly and Bella's ultrasounds, i'm just not the one lying on the bed, i guess in a way i can see what it's like from the Dad's perspective knowing it's your child but not having the scan done on you.

Q: Do you think you will have a different relationship with this baby than you do with your other nieces and nephews (after he/she is born?)
A: I would be lying if i said no but the truth is i would probably have a slightly different "bond" with this niece/nephew than the others. I would in no way play favourites though. 
It would be great to use the line "i carried you for 9 months now do what your Aunty say's, no back chat!" lol just kidding...maybe.

Q: Who is going to be in the delivery room?
A: Because i am having an elective c-section at 39 weeks we will be in theatre and according to hospital policy only one person can accompany me into theatre. That person will be Sara BUT we are going to see if they can bend the rules and allow Lance to be present at the birth too.

Q: Will Lance be rubbing your belly once you are bigger?
A: A lot of people might think this is weird having my brother-in-law rub and talk to my belly, but honestly i don't mind at all. He's welcome to if he feels comfortable doing so. I've been pregnant before so i'm no stranger to my belly being public property lol.
Sara's Answer: I feel fine about it, if he wants to feel his child kicking and talk to it like he did with Holly and Bella then i'm totally fine with it, i'll be doing the same!

Q: When Squirt is born is he/she allowed to go straight home with Sara?
A: In most cases the baby must stay with the birth mother for 12 days post birth. But you can apply for pre-approval to have the baby go straight home with the intending mother (which we will be doing).
Sara's Answer: It's also an obvious importance for us to be able to bring the baby home with us straight away as i'll be breastfeeding.

Q: Will you be breastfeeding Squirt? 
(this is actually my favourite question people ask me as the answer and the effort it will take to breastfeed this baby fascinates most people)
A: Nope, i will not be breastfeeding Squirt. I am completely cut off on the idea, to that alot of people ask why? so i reply "did you breastfeed your niece or nephew?"...they always quickly say "NO yuck!!" ...exactly, i feel that same way too lol
My role as i see it is to solely grow this child, not feed it. BUT i have agreed to pump colostrum after the birth if Sara could not get any, after that i will be drying my milk up with prescribed drugs.
So then another question arises from that, see next question.

Q: How will Sara get colostrum and milk if she isn't pregnant!?
A: Simple. ok not so simple, it takes months and months of preparation and lots of drugs to get her boobies to produce milk, basically the drugs trick her body into thinking it's pregnant, therefore tricking her boobs into producing milk. I'll let her answer the rest....
Sara's Answer: I started the drugs when Amy was about 8 weeks along, i basically have to trick my body into thinking it's pregnant and to do this i have to take the contraceptive pill but only the hormone tablets, not the sugar tablets so i don't get a period. I also have to take a drug called domperidone which is a drug used to increase milk supply in lactating women. So the schedule of drugs to get a clear idea of it all is:
Contraceptive pill is taken every day until 6 weeks prior to Squirts due date and then i cease taking it.
Domperidone, i took one tablet four times a day for the first week, and now i take two tablets four times a day (doubling the dose) and i continue with this dose even after Squirt is born until i get a good supply of milk.
Pumping, I will start breast pumping 6 weeks before Squirt's due date, and i have to pump every three hours for ten minutes at a time, every day. This also includes waking through the night, so it's just like having a newborn in the house!
Other drugs, I will also start taking blessed thistle, fenugreek seed and also incorporate oatmeal into my diet once i start pumping.
This is all done under the guidance of a lactation consultant and is the researched protocol for inducing lactation.

Q: How do you feel giving up a baby that is yours?
A: Ok, stop right there. Lets get a few things straightened out to avoid any future hormonal outbursts with this question.
Yes i was an "egg donor" & grew the baby inside of me (traditional surrogacy) but in no way, shape or form do i see this baby as mine. To give something up you first need to recognise it as your property and at no point in time have i ever seen this child as mine. I have fully detached myself from that thought pattern, in fact i detached myself even before we started trying with the syringe. I'll be honest, surrogacy is not for the faint hearted, it takes a-lot of sacrifice and an extremely strong mind to cope with it all but i'll be covering more of what goes on in a surrogates mind in an upcoming blog.

Q: Was/or is anyone from either side of the family weird about it all?
A: Not that we are aware of, so far we've had really positive reactions; before we tried and were telling people our plans and also when we announced that we were pregnant. Most people just seem really fascinated with it all and what family we do keep in contact with feels special to be apart of it (with their family connection to us).
This goes for friends as-well.

Q: Do you and Terry have to abstain?
A: No we can still have a normal sex life, with my pregnancy with Hunter we had to abstain until i was 38 weeks pregnant as i had a lot of bleeding issues, and also because i had suffered two previous miscarriages we weren't to risk anything with intercourse, but once Hunter was born, i proved i could carry a baby to term and because this pregnancy has not (so far) had any issues we can continue on as normal with intimacy.

Q: Does this affect your funded IVF? (for those who don't know, i had funded IVF to conceive Hunter)
A: The IVF talk can get really confusing so i'll try to keep it really basic! My funded IVF ended the day Hunter was born. A funded cycle includes the entire IVF procedures (drugs, scans, tests etc) and also includes any frozen egg transfers (if you had any embryo's frozen) if a pregnancy is not achieved or sustained. Once you give birth to a live baby that's the end of your funding, so the remaining 3 embryo's i have in storage are still ours to use (it's illegal for them to destroy them without permission) in the future. We just have to pay for each frozen egg transfer it takes to get pregnant, which is about $700-$1000, give or take a couple of hundred. But in saying all of this, any pregnancy i have now, whether that's naturally conceived by my husband or a surrogacy situation has nothing to do with any IVF i have done in the past.

Q: How long after this surrogate pregnancy do you have to wait to add to your family?
A: Because i am having another c-section, the period recommended to conceive after the c-section is 10 months to a year. So we might consider doing one of our frozen egg transfer's a year or so afterwards, i'd like to give my body a little break from breeding and birthing babies lol. So Hunter should be around the age of four before another child is added into our family.

Q: Will you be finding out the gender?
A: Sure will be! Sara and Lance don't have the will power to wait and sister Holly is insisting she is having a brother not a sister, so if it was a girl we would like to get her used to the idea of having a sister to avoid any disappointment/tantrums at Squirts arrival.

Q: Do you think Squirt is a boy or girl?
A: I think Squirt is a boy, i had this same feeling with my son so will see if i'm right in the upcoming weeks!
Sara's Answer: My gut feeling is that it's a boy.

Meeting "The Man"!

So it's now the 4th September, i'm 8 weeks, 4 days along and it's time to meet "the man!"....the man that will be in charge of delivering this baby! We have searched high and low and have decided to go with one of the best obstetricians available in Auckland, yes he's also probably the most expensive too, but every penny is worth it after the heartache and let down the hospital and midwife installed upon the family with Bella's arrival.

So who is this uterine genius you may wonder? well it's none other than Dr. Souter. You only have to mention his name and nearly all professionals ears prick up and comment how amazingly awesome he is!

So again the tribe sets out - me, Sara, both our hubbies and each of our kids, Holly and Hunter.
We get stuck in traffic, no surprises there in peak hour Auckland and eventually make it to the clinic with 1 minute to spare. We all walk in much to the amusement of the receptionist - "you're ALL here together!?"
"I'm the surrogate" i reply with my with feathers flared out like some proud peacock.
"oh you're our surrogate! how exciting! yes i've heard all about you on the phone to your sister!"

So i'm handed the pile of paperwork i must fill out which seems like the novel of my life, sign my autograph on the dotted lines and wait for "the man" to make his appearance which he soon does.
We all walk into the room, take our seats and have to explain who's who in all of this, it takes the better part of an hour for him to get his head around it all, i'm his first surrogate in all his years of practice so he has two couples, in a quirky sort of way, expecting the same baby. One thing you need in all of this is a great sense of humour, "the man" is fully equipped with one of those...we're gonna get along just fine!

He performs a quick scan, baby is measuring 4 days ahead which doesn't surprise me; i'm carrying my brother-in-law's baby, you only need to see the giants in his family to understand why this could possibly be another giant being welcomed into the world!
We talk through some serious stuff and come to the decision that baby Squirt will be delivered at 39 weeks via an elective c-section, so baby's new due date is April 5th 2013, a day after my husband's birthday.

After the appointment we're looking at Squirt's latest ultrasound photo in the carpark before parting ways and Sara is just beaming with excitement, "Did you see Squirt's cute little arm and leg stumps!?". She then does an impersonation of what Squirt looked like moving around on the screen, tucks her arms in & flails around a little bit.....epic fail. She does however succeed in looking like a miniature tyrannosaurus rex invading this small carpark! But you gotta love her enthusiasm, she's a mumma expecting a baby and that always installs the biggest excitement you will ever feel in your life!

And just to end this blog post off on an exciting in utero milestone, 3 days later at 9 weeks pregnant i pick up Squirts heartbeat on my home doppler, heard for the first time; that choo choo train sound is so intensely lovely!

Squirt, 8w 4d along, awww gotta love his/her's little T-Rex arms!

First scan, eeeek nervous!

August 22nd 2012, 6 weeks 5 days pregnant,  the first scan is booked for 4:15pm, how on earth am i going to keep sane all day long while waiting for this scan time to finally be here!! Hours seem like days and in those hours every possible scenario is running through my head, i'm overly paranoid having had two miscarriages before my son so i'm thinking what if the baby has no heartbeat? what if there's no baby in there? and if there is, maybe there's twin's....or triplets...or would i be the first New Zealander to have septuplets and be bound to bed and wheelchair for the next few months!? ok, maybe getting a bit carried away there but you get my point.

Finally 3pm hits, the butterflies start fluttering around in my stomach and i reach for the huge 3 glasses of water i must drink before the appointment.

My bladder is bursting and now all i can think about is the heavenly moment i can relieve my bladder of this horrible fullness. 4pm hits, time to make our way to the clinic, there is a bunch of us in the car - me, Sara, her husband Lance, my son & their daughter, my husband unfortunately had to work so couldn't be there but was waiting for my phone call after the scan, all of us except the kids have nail biting nervousness but no-one dares speak of it, instead we all pretend to laugh & make small talk trying to ignore the thoughts we are all thinking until Sara blurts out "OMG i'm sooooo nervous!!" and then the avalanche of nervous comments starts, mostly between Sara and myself, Lance just shakes his head at us.

So we wait in the waiting room eagerly awaiting my name to be called, i'm still thinking of my bladder and that toilet i want to pee in!! A toilet had never looked so good until this moment!
"Amy Dibley???", oh dear we're up! this is the make or break point in this whole journey and strangely enough the thought passes through my head that I'd hate to see that awkward syringe again if this baby hasn't made it, but i try to stay positive thinking all of the nausea and fatigue i've been feeling for the last 2 weeks is positive signs.
The emotionally detached can't crack a smile sonographer leads us to a room, suddenly i feel like i'm walking the Green Mile down this long corridor.
The kids dive straight into the toys while the serious sonographer waste's no time squirting the gel on my belly and puts the ultrasound wand to skin.....all eyes float up to the screen, my uterus appears, then the sac...oh god where is the baby??? oh there it is! wow there's a baby in there!!!!!
The serious sonographer then says "your bladder isn't very full, make sure you drink more next time"....errr wtf lady!? i only feel like i'm going to pee all over this bed at any given moment, my bladder is full i assure you!!!
She presses even harder trying to get a better view and then the tiny little flickering appears, yay! baby has a nice strong heartbeat!

....Oh, and i'm not the first New Zealander to make headlines with septuplets; there's just one healthy baby in there! And his/her's name (for now) is Squirt, it's only fitting for how this baby was made from a syringe! hehe

6 weeks 5 days, hello Squirt!

How i found myself in such a situation...

I'm a surrogate! some may wonder how i found myself in such a situation and like all stories there is a beginning so we will rewind all the way back to how this all started....
December 2nd 2011. A day engraved into many memories, this was the day my sister Sara went into labour with her second child Bella and i was invited along to support my sister through the labour & birth....i will hack the 23 hours of labour out of this story and skip to the unfortunate outcome; my sister failed to get the monitoring and care required (as she had a previous c-section with her first daughter) and as a result her uterus ruptured and my beautiful niece passed away inside of her before they could perform the c-section. The uterus could not be saved so the doctors made a decision to perform a subtotal hysterectomy, which means in simple terms, the uterus was taken out but part of the cervix and both tubes were left intact...

Fast forward 6 months, the decision was made to try for another baby so i offered to be their surrogate, it was quite a surreal thing to offer as when we were kids we always said to each other "if you can't have kids i'll have them for you!"...and now i couldn't believe this was really happening!
It was decided that gestational surrogacy would be the route they wished to travel down to get a baby, which entitles IVF and a whole lot of legal crap, approval from the ethics committee, counselling etc to reach their goal, which costs approx NZ$20,000. So we dived headlong into the whole thing, the fertility clinic was contacted, appointments made etc and the 6 month approval process began.
About a 1/3 into the counselling sessions, applications and appointments it all become a bit too much financially and emotionally for them so one night i got a phone call, a very nervous phone call, Sara trailed on a bit about hearing her out and seemed reluctant to ask the question she finally blurted out, "can we just use your egg instead?"
"ok then"
That was my answer, a simple "ok then", there was no hesitation on my part, it was not a big deal to me as i would do anything to help my sister and her husband out. I then literally heard the weights fall of Sara's shoulders and then the traditional surrogacy route had then begun.

So a date was set, we would start trying around when my son turned one, that time came and events were set into motion.
Soooo...what does it involve to get pregnant the traditional way you may wonder? Simple. It requires a $2 pharmaceutical syringe and pinpointing my ovulation. That's it. There's no sordid love affairs with the brother-in-law, just a couple of very awkward moments with a syringe (lol). And yes, hubby was perfectly fine with it!
So eventually the ovulation tests turned positive and the little syringe's were filled for their deposit. Sara would fill the syringe after Lance did his deed and i would be waiting upstairs in the bedroom for the delivery, i refused to even look at the syringe, as strange as it sounds since i would be carrying my brother-in-law's baby, i felt like i still didn't have a right to look at my sister's husbands "property", so i did the deposit's with my eyes closed, propped my hips up for an hour and took the opportunity to get some good reading in.
I have to admit i went into this with alot of scepticism, afterall it took 5 years and a round of IVF to get my son so i thought getting pregnant "naturally" was a long shot....

Skip ahead a few days to 8 days past ovulation, i begged and begged Sara to cave in and let me do an early pregnancy test, she vehemently refused and insisted on waiting until at least 12 days past ovulation, but my super persuasive skills paid off and she agreed that we could do a pregnancy test first thing in the morning.
So 8am came and i was bursting at the seams waiting for Sara to come around with the test, she finally arrived and we raced upstairs to the en-suite, ripped open the packet and i pee'd on that stick!
I paced a little nervously in the bedroom while Sara hovered over the test like a deer stuck in headlights, she kindly added commentary into the analyzing which i didn't know whether to laugh at or go insane over.
"Ok the control line has come up"
...."nothing yet"
...."nothing yet"
...."ooooh no i don't think a line is going to come up"
A minute passed.
"is that a line coming up? omg omg OMG i think a line is coming up!!"
Picks the test up and turns it every possible angle
"There's a line! there is soooo a line there!"
I then go to inspect this so called line Sara see's, thinking she's surely got wishful thinking and sure enough an obvious line was there I'm pregnant!!!

tests from 10dpo to 14dpo